Welcome to World Domination 101

I think the time has finally come for me to share my secrets for success in world domination. So without further ado, here are the first three rules (remember to use this information wisely...or at least for monetary gain and the pain and suffering of others...)

1. Be unapologetically evil. This means that no matter what, you are not allowed to express regret for any of your actions, whether or not you actually feel regretful. You must keep your poker face and/or evil laughter on hand at all times. Any sign of weakness will inevitably damage your "street cred" and force you to commit atrocities to keep from being de-throned.

So again, I say... No regrets, being evil is its own reward.

2. Be unexpectedly merciful. I know, I know, this seems to fly directly in the face of what I said previously, but in reality it doesn’t. The true key to world domination is in flexibility... No one is going to be able to run things all the time with maximum efficiency, and no one can possibly destroy/defenestrate/flay all of his/her enemies... Therefore, every once in a while it does pay to be merciful, you never know... The grovelling toadie at your feet today being kicked, could be standing over your sleeping form with a dagger tomorrow night...

Best to cut underlings some slack, on rare occasions.

3. Have someone else taste all your food first. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s amazing just how often a good scheme for world domination can be completely and irretrievably foiled by bad sushi. I’m just sayin’, if you want to take chances with your intestines, be my guest but as far as I’m concerned, there is one reason and one reason only to keep freshmen around...

They will eat anything and they never ask questions. If I say to one of them, "Hey you, taste this cookie and, uh, tell me if it’s okay." They think I’m offering them a treat and get excited, whereas anyone else would say,

"Uhh...why?"

Nope. The freshman will just take a bite... Every time.

So, as my plans for world domination continue to develop, I will certainly continue to give you insider tips... but please remember,

Don’t try this at home.

I am a trained professional.