The Eternal Twinkie vs. Sno-Ball Debate, Or The Pirate Queen Sends Herself to Time-Out

...As Mr. Congeniality lay moaning in the shallows, Scuba Steve and I hunkered down on the sand in the back of the cave. I was shivering as he removed something from his belt that looked like a watertight fanny pack. He handed it to me, and I opened it to discover a tube of Neosporin and some other basic first aid materials.

Then he finally removed his goggles.

I scowled at him... There was something familiar about the shape of his face, and I never forget a face.

I tend to remember faces especially well when they are the faces of mysterious ninjas that I've helped while patrolling Concord, NH in the dead of night.

Oh, that's right children... Those shifty eyes, that rat-like face, the black cowl...

It was Shiro Linh.

*sigh*

Just what I needed... More Carlos-damned ninjas. Well, that's just fan-frickin'-tabulous.


You know... At any other time in my life I would probably have had some sort of reaction to such an unveiling...

But at that moment?

I had nothin'. I merely stared.

Actually... There might have been a need for me to wipe some Forest Gump style drool off my chin.

He dug into another pouch, and removed some snacks.

I swear to Carlos, this guy was like the Scuba/Ninja Mary Poppins or something. I wondered if he would pull a nuclear submarine out of a hidden pocket next.

He paused, then looked more closely at the snacks laid on the sand in front of him. Lying there, looking innocent and virtuous in their pristine packaging were:

1. A granola bar (oats and honey)
2. A protein bar (cookie dough flavor)
3. A package of Hostess Sno-Balls

AND (Carlos be praised!)

4. A lone Twinkie.

Before you could say, "Hey, gimme that!" I snagged the Twinkie and nearly ate most of the wrapper along with the sugary, spongy, cream filled treat. Mmmm... cream filling... yum.

I'm not sure that I actually chewed.

Shiro goggled at me momentarily before stating, "Well, if Twinkies are what you live on, it's no wonder you've lost your ship."

I hissed in his face and scowled at him. But then added, "Gee, thanks for the fortune cookie statement, Confucius. If you have a Red Bull somewhere on you I'll forgive you for that remark, otherwise, prepare to die."

Before I could move to put my hands around his throat, the Magical Elixir appeared in my hand as if it had been delivered by the archangel Gabriel himself.

I gripped the slender cylinder and admired it as though it were the idol from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc. In fact, I could almost hear a heavenly chorus singing "Light My Fire" as I popped the can open and began to drink.

In my opinion, they could have benefited from a few more guitars and fewer harps... But that's just me.



When I finished, I placed the empty can gently on the sand next to me and gave it a little pat. Then I looked closely at Shiro, and asked him for the only information that is ever really necessary for one person to know about another...

"Shiro... Have you ever killed anyone in a knife fight?"

He raised an eyebrow.

I continued, "No, seriously. Have you?"

He munched on a mouthful of granola (ick... that stuff will kill you faster than... well, a shark).

"Not as far as I know... Though there was that one time... at Band Camp."

I laughed so hard I nearly regurgitated my Hostess Treat.

At last... Someone who understands me.

Too bad he's a damn ninja. I may have to kill him at some point in the future. Oh well, I suppose we can't have it all, can we?

Naturally this was when Mr. Congeniality finally pulled himself up on the sand, and sat next to me. Of course, when I say "sat" what I really mean is that he collapsed, and then fell over. He had landed entirely too close to me, totally "popping my bubble" as Saltmine inmates might say.

Before I could move away, or shove him to a safe distance, he reached across me and grabbed the Sno-Ball snack.

I snorted in derision... Of COURSE, he would like that one. After digging in, he moved so that he was laying down, put his head on my thigh and said, "When you two are done with girl talk, can you wake me up so we can start planning? Thanks, that'd be greeeat." He then appeared to drop instantly into a sound sleep.

I was just a tid bit miffed.

Okay, that's a lie. I felt a desire to perform acts of violence upon that smiling bastard more strongly than I ever had before... It was a new personal best.

I stiffened, and then grabbed for the hair on the back of his head in my left fist in preparation for an enormously pleasing "Sand-wash."

Just before I could rub his nose in the dirt, Shiro put a hand on my arm and said,

"Please Your Highness, I know he is extremely annoying to you, but I would take it as a personal favor if you did not abuse my brother any more... Right now anyway. When you get your ship back, please feel free to torment him at your leisure, but we might need him soon. Sand in the eyes could throw off his aim."

I experienced a complete brain bottleneck. You know that feeling, when you have so many possible questions and or comments in your head all at once that they get stopped up and you just can't seem to make any of them come out?

Well, that was me.

Comment Overload Girl.

I stared down at the back of Congeniality's head (he, I should add, had seemed to completely sleep through the homicidal impulse I had aimed at him, and was now making a sound that was midway between a snore and a growl), and then looked sharply at Shiro.

W. Tha. F.

"Brother? Brother? What?" I sputtered and foamed like a mad dog on a dirt road.

My overloaded brain just couldn't seem to handle this conversation... So I yowled a barbaric "GAAAAH!" at the top of my lungs and pounded the sand with the hand not holding my empty and slightly sticky Twinkie wrapper.

Let it never be said that I'm not a sparkling conversationalist.

Then I just kind of fell backwards to lie in the sand for a while. I had a somewhat muddy idea that I would wake up and be back on board the Unvanquished. Yeah right.

I tend to believe that my brain decided to take up my teacher persona without my permission...

It assigned me to a Time Out.

Friggin' know-it-all teachers.



Who the hell likes them anyway?