Just When I Was About to Get Some Answers, Or, A Short Walk and a Long Drop

Well... The day started out annoying and rapidly moved past "bad" all the way to "friggin' awful" in about 2.2 hours.

Things seemed to be going well at first. Around 11 or so Mr. Congeniality began to really lose his charm under the direct gaze of the eye of heaven.

But by 1pm I managed to suddenly find myself blindfolded, stripped of my cutlass and multi-tool, and taking a short walk followed by a long drop.

Under the blindfold I could see a narrow strip of the sea below... And there were dorsal fins circling the ship.

Those weren't the fins of friendly dolphins.

Oh Holy Mother of Carlos...All I could think was, "Sometime in the next 15 minutes, I could be pulling up a hard plastic chair to join my brethren at the cool table in Hell."

Of course, though I did always fully intend to die young and tragically misunderstood after a life of glorious excess... This was not the time or place I had envisioned.

I know, I know... You're dying to know what happened, right?

Well, here's my sad tale of woe for your merciless perusal.

It was high noon. The sun beat down on my head, bleaching my hair and turning the deck of the Unvanquished a washed out gray. I stood before Mr. Congeniality with my multi-tool in hand, fully prepared to use any means necessary to get some answers.

His head hung forward limply, and the only thing keeping him upright were the few ropes I had instructed Cosgrove to leave tied about his chest.

For a moment, I almost felt a stirring of pity in my cold, cold heart.

I grabbed that feeling around the throat and choked the life out of it while it kicked, screamed, and begged. And then I pitched its still warm corpse over the side. I stepped up, grabbed Congeniality by the scruff of his neck and was about to begin my questions when there was a shout from the crow's nest.

"SHIP AHOY!"

Quickly, I scanned the horizon, and there I saw a ship, somewhat larger than my own fair lady. It's sails billowed out, and its flag snapping in the breeze.

The flag was entirely black. No cheerful jolly roger, no patriotic symbol of any kind...

Those damn ninjas. I should've killed them when I had the chance.

And then the deck seemed to pitch below me, tossing me like a rag doll against Congeniality's limp form. He raised his head, focused his bleary eyes on me and said,

"Not right now dear... I think I've got sunburn on my--"

The deck pitched again, and I pushed away from the smartass, running for the rails and shouting for my men to assemble.

Though we put up a tremendous fight, battling mercilessly, screaming like berserkers, our foe was too well armed, and willing to sacrifice every last ninja in order to bring us under his thumb.

It was that bastard, Shiruken the Younger.

He gave me a choice, go down with the ship, in which case all of my men would be put to the sword, or take a punishment of his choosing... In which case I would still meet my demise, but the men would live.

I knew he was lying... It was written all over his patchy face.

But what could I do? What choice did I really have?

God damn it. I really fricking hate ninjas.

The worst of it?

He thought that it would be absolutely hilarious to make me walk the plank.

Cosgrove started to explain that "Walking the Plank" is a complete wives tale, but of course he was silenced effectively with a boot to the face.

Oh, and even better?

Before being blindfolded, Shiruken also thought that it would be even more hilarious to tie me up... To Mr. Congeniality.

As I shuffled down the plank, practically carrying Congeniality on my back, I had time to ponder the great mysteries of the universe such as:

How in the deep blue and tan hell did I end up here?

and,

How had the ninjas found us?

and,

How come a decent manicure is cheap, but a pedicure is so ungodly expensive?


To many of life's mysteries... There is just no satisfactory answer.


The sharks circled.

I stood on the end of the plank.

Shiruken asked if I had any last words. I asked him,

"How come all you ninjas look the same? Afraid to stand up as individuals? And what with all those kung fu movies? Don't you know that superhero movies are the pinnacle of human civilization?"

With a growl of rage, the board was sharply yanked from under me, and I dropped like a groundhog into a deep well...