A Gallon of Atlantic Ocean Seawater Makes a Great Diuretic. Ask Me How!

...I hit the ocean in the face like a fist, and then sank beneath the waves.

Still blindfolded, and strapped to Mr. Congeniality, I sank like a platinum weight. (You ever notice how it's always a "lead weight" in the old saying? What's with that? I like to think I'm worth more than friggin' lead).

Sorry... tangent. ADD moment I guess.

Anyway, there I was, thrashing and flailing about in a complete panic, being dragged to the bottom of the ocean floor by a passed out and unbeliveably sunburnt pirate that I'd managed to capture and subdue with no small amount of effort, with sharks circling above me and wondering if I'd go well with a side of dolphin, when I felt myself grabbed by the hair.

What little rational mind power I had left... I lost.

I managed to throw at least a couple of weak and water-logged punches before the blindfold was torn off and I found myself staring into the face of... Captain Nemo?

No, seriously, it was someone in a wet suit, scuba gear, the whole works.

It was at this point that the blackness around the edges of my eyesight began to really take over. I nearly decided to try my luck at breathing water when a regulator was stuffed roughly in my mouth and I took my first breath in what felt like decades.

About the same time, an enormous weight was lifted from me... but I hardly noticed.

I mean, seriously.

No one can really ever tell you what it's like to suffocate... Your brain basically goes completely insane. You can feel your head pounding while your brain tries to escape from your skull in search of air, and every cell in your body shouts, "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" in unison.

Needless to say... It's not an experience I would recommend for fun and games, so... Don't try this at home kids.

While I marveled over how much fun it was to inhale something other than water, I had apparently been towed some distance by the diver, and there below us was a cave.

Well, that wasn't so bad, in fact, that was pretty friggin' sweet!

Of course, since my life is generally a series of extreme highs and lows that never seems to even out, it was at that moment that I noticed the twinge of pain in my leg from where I had been wounded in the battle for the Unvanquished. It didn't hurt overly much, but I did notice that a trickle of blood was flowing sluggishly along side me and my guardian scuba angel...

Huh. Apparently my brain still hadn't fully recovered from my dunking. I knew that there was some reason why it might be dangerous to be bleeding, out here in the open sea...

And that was when a shadow came gliding out of nowhere... It was the biggest goddamned shadow in the history of creation.

When I looked up, all I could think of was a line from one of the greatest movies of the twentieth century...

"I think we're gonna need a bigger boat."



And baleful eye of the biggest fish in the known universe fell upon me...


At that point... I completely forgot to breathe.

Meh, who needs oxygen really?