Enough Already With All This Happiness

I was just looking over my recent posts, and I find it to be totally ridiculous that I'm so damn perky all of a sudden.

Happiness and joy is so... NOT me.

So, to that end, I'd like to tell a little story that shows just how twisted and unjust life is.

I do hope you enjoy it so that we can get back to our regularly scheduled bitching, moaning, and complaining.

Here's the deal:

People are always telling me things that I don't want to hear.

It's almost like people look at me and they don't see a person, they see a fucking confessional.

In the Hess station the other day I was purchasing a Red Bull, and I made the rookie mistake of saying a cheery, "Good morning!" to the woman giving me my change.

What the HELL was I thinking.

She made sure to tell me exactly how her day, year, and life was going.

10 minutes later I knew that her daughter was pregnant for the third time, and that she has no idea which of the men she is sleeping with is the father. I had also been informed that this cashier was dating a skin-head who had recently been in an accident on his Harley, but since he was drunk at the time, and he nearly killed the old lady whose car he totaled, not only would the insurance be a problem, but that he had been jailed. She also (in a rather creepy and cheerful manner) informed me that she has some sort of skin condition that is becoming problematic.

Does anyone else have this problem? Or is it just me?

Keep in mind... I had never seen this woman before.

Why in the deep purple hazy hell would she ever think... Hey, this woman I've never met must be just dying to hear about all my problems.

What. Tha. Fuck.

OH, and did I tell you about the time when I worked delivering newspapers? Okay, so maybe there were a bunch of times, but the one that really takes the cake is when a woman I was working with, who I had NEVER SEEN BEFORE, told me and another woman the following charming story:

Crazy Bitch #1: "I'm trying to get my boyfriend back."
Me: Oh? (Thinly disguised disinterest)
Crazy Bitch #2: "Why did you break up?"
Me: (Eye roll. Internal thought, 'Who cares?')
Crazy Bitch #1: "Well, he's 13 years younger than me, but he's (and yes, she really did use this phrase) the captain of my heart!"
Crazy Bitch #2: "How are you going to get him back?"
Crazy Bitch #1: "Well, when he gets out of jail, I'm going to buy him an XBox360."
Crazy Bitch #2: "That's a good idea. I bought my boyfriend one and he really likes it."
Me: (Mentally punching myself in the face for even being with these two morons)
Crazy Bitch #2 continues: "How long is he in for?"
Crazy Bitch #1: "Three years"

Then she turns to me and says...

"Don't worry, Virginia, he didn't kill anyone. He was just accused of raping his sister."

Me: "Uh, okay... Well... uh, I'm going to get a coffee... Okay, bye.

Seriously. I cannot possibly make this crap up.

The worst part of the whole thing?

I saw the look that shot between these two women after they finished talking to me, and the look, roughly translated to English from Moron, made the following statement:

"Isn't it sad that she doesn't know how to communicate? She's not very friendly."

I was not at all sure how to feel about the fact that these two women apparently thought that they were doing me a favor by talking to me.

Seriously? Is this what passes for a conversation? How is it that I don't understand?

I guess I always just assume that most people don't want to hear every gory detail of my personal life. I mean of course I talk to my close friends about stuff that is important, but I would never dream of spilling my deep dark secrets to someone just because that person happened to hand me a 20 dollar bill and ask for 15 dollars on pump six.

Am I the crazy one? Seriously?

And you know what else really sends me over the friggin deep end into screaming insanity?

All of these women were dating.

Again I say,

W. T. FFFFF.

Now, I grant you... I have said before and I'll say it again, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to associate with the caliber of male that that these "ladies" find attractive... But still.

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. This is ridiculous.

I have to believe that this is not the norm, because if I ever do start to believe that...

I will voluntarily smear chum all over my naked body, and leap, cheerfully singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" into the tank at the Boston Aquarium and sink to the bottom as bubbles flow festively from my mouth and nose.

When the shark attacks me, I will hug that big angry sucker and encourage him to end my misery with as big a bite of my entrails as he can possibly take.

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And now back to this totally un-natural happiness and good cheer of mine.

Thank you, and good night.