I Have Evil Thoughts, Or, Why It's So Hard to Be Good in This Big, Bad World

I tell you what... It's hard to be a ninja-battling, grammarian super hero sometimes. Especially when I have evil thoughts that clearly belong to someone like The Joker as opposed to the pure and innocent thoughts of say... Supergirl.

So here's what happened...

After school I met my friend Papergrrrl for a drink at Club Seven. It was chill, and all was well with the world. We talked of various things... ships, and shoes, and sealing wax, and whether pigs have wings... etc. (10 points to you if you get the reference there).

Well, I wasn't really hungry, having just recently feasted with the superheroes at Xavier's mansion, but Papergrrrl was feeling the need for some red meat, so we went to a local chain watering hole.

About 10 minutes after we got seated, coming from the kitchen I heard the sounds of rhythmic clapping and singing, and I cringed inside.

It was the employees, leaving their fortress of solitude in order to sing a "Happy Happy Birthday" song to some unsuspecting customer. The whole time they did their shtick, I had an overwhelming urge to slide down in my booth seat, and disappear from view under the tablecloth... completely reversing my transition to adulthood.

You see, until I was about 5 years old, I refused to sit anywhere except UNDER the table when my parents took me out with them to a restaurant. Honest. They would order, and when it arrived, I would stick my hand out from under the table, and my mother would pass me the food. It wasn't until my sister was born that I actually began to sit AT the table, and that was mostly because she did fun things that I could watch, like fill some stranger's pocketbook with ketchup-covered, half-eaten french fries. Seriously, totally true story.

But, I digress.

The fact is... I absolutely DETEST it when that whole, song thing happens in any restaurant where I happen to be dining. For some reason that I can't really understand, I feel embarrassment vicariously.

Now, I realize the irony here, since I frequently embarrass both myself and others... But that's totally by MY choice, not someone else's.

Now here's where it gets evil...

When the "blessed event" was over. I sat there for a minute... Thinking.

Apparently, my evil thoughts were evident in my smile, because Papergrrrl said, "What the hell are you thinking about? You look like a super villain concocting an evil plan.

Well, here's my thought...

How hilarious would it be, if I went to a restaurant where they do that sort of on the spot embarrassing song, picked a random person out of the crowd, called the waitress over to my table and said,

"Do you see that guy over there? Yeah, him. Well, I'm his "friend," and I happen to know that it's his birthday today. If I buy him a dessert and a drink, would you bring them to him and sing that song?"

Then, when they did it, more likely than not, the server would tell the guy who sent the cake, and I could totally give a little wave and a wink, and then walk out--a woman of mystery and devious wiles.

Damn, I've always wished I had wiles.

Sadly, all I've got is mousy brown hair and an ugly nose that makes me look like Princess Fiona (ogre version)

Still...

Just the thought made me totally laugh out loud and gave me a little thrill.

Can you imagine?

*sigh*

But of course, I can never allow myself to do such a thing... Just imagine if the poor guy was on a date? Or, even worse... with his wife. Oh Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick... I'd probably end up on the six o'clock news as a shooting victim.

I wonder if that death would be spectacular enough to get me a seat at the cool kid's table in hell?

I tell you... I do not regret for a moment choosing to defend the innocent and down-trodden, or taking the high road...(I really try to do these things, in my bumbling and imperfect way).

But there are times when I really really wish...

I could be BAD.

Oh well, perhaps in my next life I can come back as an arch villain...

I'm already practicing my evil laughter.