Social Skills for N00bs

Note: This is something that I wrote back in September when I was still working at the most dreaded of places... the Insane Mountain School for Criminal Youngsters. Thankfully, I no longer have colleagues who are of only slightly higher caliber than the clientele we serviced at that fine establishment of lower learning.

I have since jumped ship for greener pastures, but I thought that you might enjoy this particular rant... And it still makes me laugh out loud.

You know what they say... "It's funny because it's true."

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Okay, so here's the deal... I have well and truly lost it. Whatever "it" is, it's friggin' GONE; gone like the snows of yester-year.

The other day, I finally got sick and tired of being treated like a complete NOOB and went on a rant.

RANT. All caps. As in, strident yelling. As in, multiple uses of the word F@$K.

Oh yeah. I did it.

Virginia has HAD it.

"IT" is goin' DOWN.

And I would just like to say... When VIRGINIA is the model of politeness and social skills in the group...

You've got friggin' problems.

So, anyway, here are the Goals and Objectives for the class I am currently writing a syllabus for. I want to share them with you, in hopes that even before I begin the noble work of teaching this class, you will begin to have an understanding of how the world operates... Or rather, how it should operate.

I'm just sayin'.

Course Title: Social Skills and Professional Behavior in the Workplace 101
Instructor: Queen Regina Magistra Lepidoptera, PhD.

Course Goals and Objectives: By the time you have completed the semester of instruction you will understand the following concepts and be able to apply them in your daily life. Course work will consist of skits in which appropriate social behavior will be modeled. Your final exam will take place during the last week of the course; at this point you will be randomly observed for a period of not less than 5 hours at your work place, during which you will be graded based on your ability to maintain politeness when dealing with co-workers, clients, and the general public.

1. When someone smiles at you and says a greeting, it is not considered couth to ignore them completely. You should, at minimum, respond with a nod or a repetition of the same greeting. It is not required that you smile while doing so, but it is recommended.

2. Even when communicating over email or a radio, it is still considered appropriate to say "thank you" and "please."

3. It is rude and unprofessional to speak to your co-workers like retarded 5-year-olds, whether from a distance (radio, email, whathaveyou) or in person.

4. When someone does something nice for you, it is best to smile politely, or at least say, "thank you." Ignoring politeness will not make it go away. Or rather, it will eventually go away, but you won't be happy when it does.

5. Do not berate your co-workers in the presence of your clientele. It makes YOU look like a jerk, not the person you are berating.

6. Just so you know... It is NOT all about YOU. Please get over yourself.

7. Helpful Tip: People who feel liked, or at least respected are much more likely to "get your back" when you need it later on. This is definitely something to consider, if you are at all concerned about self-preservation and/or karma.

8. Cardinal Rule of Social Skills: All other rules boil down to this simple request... Please, stop being a complete asshole. Thank you.

Tuition: Free, or a slice of cheesecake.

Thank you, and have a pleasant evening.