The Unvanquished

... So naturally, most of what I am about to describe here took place after I had plunged off the side of my ship and into the briny depths. Suffice to say, since I have limited psychic powers, I happen to know everything that occurred in my absence.

Oh, just go with it.

Moments after I and Congeniality splashed over the side, the ninja captain wiped away a few tears of joy, and sent the order to begin the wholesale massacre of my men. (That lying, trecherous, scum... I knew he would go back on his word). The Quartermaster, Boatswain, and a few others were to be included in the first round of executions.

Thank Carlos, there was something the ninja captain didn't know about my people.

Of course he realized that they were loyal to a fault... What he failed to understand was just how much my apparent death would galvanize them into action. Far from taking the wind out of their sails, his behavior put renewed powder in their cannons.

"Brisket" Cosgrove was the first to make a move. As soon as I tumbled off the plank and splashed down amongst the sharks, he let out a yell of such fury and ferocity, that the unprepared ninja guarding his flank lowered his sword for an instant.

This, he should not have done.

Cosgrove shoved up from his knees and drove himself headfirst into the poorly prepped villain's defenseless middle. By the time he had fallen over backward, the rest of my furious crew let out shouts of fury and anguish easily as terrifying as his.

Every where on deck, a pitched and terrible battle was renewed. My crew, armed only with makeshift weapons gathered from the supplies at hand, pulled no punches.

In fact... They fought dirtier than a tanked Lindsey Lohan at a pool party.

The quarter master grabbed a fork directly out of the hand of a ninja crew member who was eating the last of my precious ration of cheesecake, and stabbed him at least three times while yelling, "NO ONE touches the Queen's cheesecake, thou black, heathen, rump-fed, ronion!!" (Each insult was punctuated by a stab of the eating utensil).

That sleazy bastard's crew, even though they outnumbered my men three to one, were taken almost completely by surprise.

"Brisket," who was by this time leading the uprising, right along with the Quartermaster, directed the men to dump every last ninja over the side.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew were running below, loading the guns with every implement of destruction they could find. Some of these included smoke bombs and hand-made grenades wrenched from the bodies of flailing and slack-jawed ninjas.

They managed to put holes in the side of the ninja sloop that made it look like a slab of blackened Swiss cheese... only much less tasty.

In 37 minutes, the battle was over, the ninja sloop was sinking into the waters of the Atlantic, and the evil men in black were being happily chomped upon by a number of sharks.

The crew took only a moment to breathe in relief at the rout of the villains before turning to the problem of their missing queen. Faces turned red with rage, and white with anguish.

A hush fell.

There was an extended moment of complete bafflement and hopelessness...

And then, one of the oldest members of the crew, a small but ferocious female crew member, spoke into the silence.

"She's still alive. I know it. We have to meet her in our secret port... She'll manage to get there somehow."

There were scattered grumbles, some of assent and some of disbelief.

Again, the Grrrl, (that was her name) spoke. "Come on... After all this, don't you think we'd know it if she was dead? Hasn't she come through worse than this?"

The Quartermaster let out a bellow of laughter, thumped Grrrl on the back and said, "Of course! Why, don't you men remember the time we found her in a meat locker, suspended over a vat of chicken parts and tied to a Laotian dental hygenist? She had managed to tie up the machinery meant to turn them into sausage with just a pair of toe-nail clippers and a buckle from one of her boots!"

Cosgrove chimed in, "Or the time when she used a Gila Monster's venom to bring down a rampaging hydra in east Keene? Who knew that you could use a Slurpee straw as a makeshift hypodermic?"

Grrrl added, "And how about when she had to escape from the car crusher when she was locked in the trunk of a Dodge Aries? She had nothing except an angry Pomeranian and a warm 12-pack of Diet Coke to help her... and she still made it out! Ye gods... Do you remember the explosion?"

There was a moment of silence followed by deliriously joyful shouting.



There was still hope.

Most assuredly... The Queen must still be alive.

"ALL HANDS ON DECK!" Shouted Cosgrove.

The Unvanquished, limping, but by no means down for the count, sailed meekly across the water road toward the safety of her hidden port. There, she would be repaired and await the return of the queen.


If you could have heard the silent prayers in the hearts of the crew, it would have brought a tear even to your jaded eye...



The only words spoken for the rest of the night were the ones that breathed out, unheard by anyone except the gulls in the bay.


"Kick some ass, Pirate Queen... And please, make it fast."