The Real Reason I Wasn't at the Saltmine Today... Or, I'm Screwed

Well, the truth is... ever since my desk was violated I just haven't been feeling like myself.

Plus, I started to notice that some people seem to really like this new, improved, CLEAN me.

Which led to some serious soul-searching...

I mean, if people are so happy with the new me, does that mean that they never really liked the OLD me very much?

And if so...

I was completely fooled.

So, I decided to take this "NEW ME" one step futher.

I went to see a doctor... and a beautician... and a lifestyle coach.

Not all at the same time of course...one after the other.

First was the Doctor.

I'll call him, DoctorD. He seemed nice enough. I told him about myself, about having lost approximately 55-60lbs since October. I told him how I was running/rollerblading/cycling pretty much every day now for between 30min-1hr.

He shook his head.

Sadly.

Then he said... "Well, I'm sorry to tell you this Miss... but I think you're living on borrowed time. Clearly a curse has been placed upon you. I've done a blood test and you've got a rare element in your bloodstream that is eventually going to kill you. You're going to feel better and better, until you reach a weight of somewhere between 115-130lbs...

And then you'll drop dead."

He then added, "If I were you, I'd make peace with God right now."

I explained that I was a Buddhist and did not feel the need to "make peace." He again shook his head sadly and said,

"Well then...You're screwed."

Then came the beautician.

I'll call her MissCongeniality08.

When I entered her lovely establishment, she took one look at me and shuddered from the tips of her dyed blonde hair, to the pink acrylic toenails on her tiny feet. Before I could even say anything she had grabbed me by the arm and said,

"Honey... You need HELP. I am going to FIX you. RIGHT NOW!!"

Sadly...after an hour of torture in her chair...

I looked exactly the same.

Only even more ugly. Imagine if you will the love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mimi from Drew Carey and Rosie O'Donnell.

Yeah.

That's me.

She charged me $100.00 and then said,

"Sorry honey... I just can't help you. You're screwed."

Well, at this point, as you can well imagine, I was about to get into my car and drive into a bridge abuttment...or at the very least, go home and pray for a QUICK terminal illness... When along came The Life Coach.

He saw me standing, stunned and dazed on the sidewalk and offered his services.

He asked me to tell him about myself.

I did.

At great length.

...There may have been tears at one point, though I won't swear to it.

When I finished, he looked at me carefully for a moment, reached out, stroked my face, shook his head slowly and said in a very low, soft voice...

"I'm sorry honey... Looks like you're screwed."

________________________________________________________

So I decided not to get out of bed this morning.