"Go Home and Polish Your Twig!"

Earlier today I was headed to my usual Pirate locale for the last part of the day and unobtrusively clip-clopping my way down the Saltmine hall in my spiky pirate shoes when I was suddenly and without any warning at all, nearly knocked flat on my cute little pirate heiny by a large, ugly and somewhat angry inmate.

This particular inmate has been a problem for a long time.

He glowered at me from beneath his protruding brow and shoved me out of what he clearly considered to be his own personal space with nary a word of apology, though, just as clearly, I had done absolutely nothing to deserve this rough treatment.

I was dumb-founded...Shocked.

Without even a backward glance he proceeded down the hall, making a thump-clop sound. One foot was clad in a large boot of the shit-kicking variety and the other was absent (he has a wooden leg).

Loathe as I was to allow such treatment to pass without a word or even a sour look, the fact that this particular inmate is short one body part gave me a moment's pause... For once I was at a total loss...

Luckily, a trusty lieutenant of mine came to the proverbial rescue.

Apparently, whilst I was in the midst of my dilemma, Shaggy had come up behind and seen the whole thing from a distance of about 15 feet or so. As I stared after the rude and scurvy knave, Lt. Shaggy took the initiative, shouting, "You! Hey you!"

When the oafish lout turned our way Shaggy looked him full in the hideous face and jeered at him with glee,

"You pathetic jacanape! Yeah, I'm talking to you!"

At this, the general look of stupidity on the lout's face gave way to surprise...then a bit of rage. It was obvious from the look of utter cluelessness on his face that he hadn't decided what exactly he was going to do about this verbal assault on his person, when Lt. Shaggy fired the final shot of the altercation, "Your face makes my skin crawl, your foul odor makes me violently ill and your stupidity makes me want to read a book... Why don't you go home and POLISH YOUR TWIG!!!"

The cluelessness on the scoundrel's face was finally replaced by such a look of rage that I felt momentarily weak at the knees on my lieutenant's behalf... This could end very, very badly...

And then,

Inspiration struck me about the head and shoulders with the force of a newspaper on a naughty puppy...

The answer was right there at my elbow.

So I grabbed on for dear life and pulled...

The alarm sounded.

Thank goodness for the promptness of the local fire department...

By the time they arrived, the lieutenant and myself had positioned ourselves innocently in a classroom as though we'd been there all along...

The best part was that I finally made my childhood dream of pulling a fire alarm come true... and better still...

...Nothing was caught on tape.

HOORAY!!!