THE WAR TO END ALL WARS...DOWN WITH PLAID!! (aka...I’m Gonna Get You Mr. Chemistry)

... After all that I've said and done, why would ANYONE think they could mess with me and get away with it?

You see...here's yet another reason why I've been incommunicado recently...

Dear friends...

The Pirate Queen is at WAR.

Oh no, I am NOT kidding.

You see...it all started when this guy... this BillNye guy decided to emotionally torture me.

How?

With fashion of course.

You see, I've never claimed to be fashion conscious. In fact, I have admitted on more than one occasion that I am in fact "fashion roadkill."

But this guy...

He makes me look like Yves St. Lauren with a little bit of Chanel thrown into the mix.

Let me just tell you about MrBillNye...

He is a geek. Now, being an admitted geekgirl myself, I can't fault him for that... But you have to picture this guy... He looks like a stick figure with a bobblehead. He has a voice that's a dead ringer for Kermit the Frog and he wears pocket protectors every day.

But that's not the worst of it... He also wears...

*shudder*

Sweater vests. OH THE HUMANITY!!

The war began, not with the "shot heard 'round the world" or even a crash-bang-clatter as so many other altercations... It was much more like T.S. Eliot's poem "The Hollow Men" in which he said,

"This is how the world ends...
Not with a bang but a whimper."

The whimper, good reader, came from me.

It was brought on by the sight of this human preying mantis in a pair of blue shortpants with little green boats on them.

Alright, I can hear you over there saying, "Hey, that's not so bad... What's the problem?"

Well, okay fine. Maybe it's not a problem for YOU, but that's because you didn't have to sit next to him for 6 hours whilst he regaled you with stories of his wife-in-laws-roof-AP Chemistry stuff... Even the stories wouldn't have been so bad, if he hadn't repeated the same ones...Over...and over...and over...in his muppet voice... with a shark-like smile on his face... Taking great pleasure in my ignoring him.

The more I ignored him... The worse he got.

Finally, just to shut him up, I responded by giving him the hardest of hard times I'd ever given anyone in my life.

I mocked his clothing.

I mocked his repetitious stories.

I mocked CHEMISTRY for Carlos' sake...

I even went so far as to give him my dissertation about how the laws of Thermodynamics are completely made up.

But in the end... I lost.

Yes, ME.

How so? I'll tell you how.

He loved my diatribe so much, that he began to LOOK for me, to actively SEEK ME OUT.

He adored being the object of my mockery.

I kid you not.

If there was a meeting, he sat next to me. If I was in my room attempting to "work," he stopped by to show me his latest fashion disaster. If I was given an obnoxious new duty, he offered to help me out with it.

Clearly, his masochism has reached a level to which all other masochists one day aspire.

The more I abuse and mock him... The more he loves me.

It would be the perfect friendship...If only I were a sadist instead of the closet masochist that I am.

At some points, I've even felt bad about giving him so much crap... but when I'm nice, he gets this disappointed look on his geekboy face and says things like,

"But aren't you going to make fun of my new sweatervest? Are...you... okay?"

At which point, I ACTUALLY FEEL BADLY FOR BEING NICE TO HIM!

The man is SICK.

And recently I've been forced to "step it up" since, in order to REALLY freak me out, he wore a pair of hideous PLAID PANTS to an all day meeting...

Just for me. I know you think I'm kidding... but I'm not.

So I recently put my artistic acumen to the test... making him a couple of posters which I ever so indiscreetly placed in his room... on his board... while he was teaching. These stated in blatant terms my complete disgust with both his subject and his plaid pants.

As you can probably guess... He loved it.

And now... he thinks he's going to get me back. He has actually been attempting to call converts to his side... The self-same scurvy inmates who have learned to love and serve the Pirate Queen so diligently in the past... Strangely, it's the inmates I least suspected to be on my side who ratted him out to me.

And ironically enough... he has managed to convert one of my trusted lieutenants.

That's right... he has usurped my place and the loyalty of one of my most favored crew-mates.

For this... more than anything else he's done... HE MUST PAY!

Oh boy... he's going to be soooo disappointed tomorrow... Not only have I formulated a clever diversion which will distract him from his own evil scheme, I have another plan for the following day which will cause him no end of amusement.

Don't worry...It's a bloodless plan...

In fact, if I didn't know what a thrill he's going to get out of how I am going to upstage his evil plans, I'd almost feel bad for him. Almost.

Of course... I have a sneaking suspicion that my victory will be short-lived at best.

My friends... This war is FAR from over.

The worst part is... I'm enjoying it more than I think I should...

What can I say?

I'm a pirate queen... I LOVE WAR.



I'm just sayin'.