How to Become a Pirate

Well, I got a question this evening from a party interested in matriculating at Aikens' Subterranean University. This lovely young woman asked me,

"How do I become a pirate?"

Such a simple question... but oh-so-loaded.

I told her that it was simple enough... one merely chooses the pirate lifestyle and never looks back.

Oh, and there is a secret knock too.

But you don't learn about that until after initiation.

The initiation consists of a series of tests.

Keep in mind, the Pirate Lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. Don't commit to it unless you are fond of pain and suffering... most especially the pain and suffering of others (but also for yourself to a certain extent).

I mean, sure, once you're a Queen, like me, it's all cabin boys and treasure... But building a following? That takes cojones of steel my friends.

And then of course, there is the Pirate Pledge of Allegiance, an oath which all aspiring scurvy knaves must take before they can be admitted to the Society of Pillagers.

It's not to be taken lightly.

There's a whole process...

But just remember, becoming a pirate is a lot like anything else...

The first step is admitting that you have a problem.

Hi! My name is Virginia and I'm sick of life as it is! So I've decided to be a pirate! ARGH!! (Audience response: "Hi Virginia!")

See how simple, yet complex it is?

Any other questions? I'd be happy to clarify.