Beware of 2am...or, Gotta Love Those Flying Monkeys

It's 2:38am and I just realized that I've yet to tell you about the flying monkey I met the other day... Now the time has come.

Of course, my grandfather always says,

"Nothing good ever happens after 2am."

This was one of his favorite sayings to me as a child, along with, "It's always a mistake to educate women," and, "All good girls should be home and in bed by 10pm."

Ahh...what a progressive that man is.

Still, you've got to love him for being true to himself.

I just like to prove him wrong sometimes.

So here's what...

When I left off previously, I was hanging by my brightly colored fingernails from a ledge on the roof of Borders in Concord. Suffice to say, I survived.

This shouldn't be a shock to any of you, since I'm nothing if not a survivor.

The part that might surprise you is the flying monkey.

Yeah, I said it.

There was a monkey.

It flew.

No, I'm not tripping. The fact of the matter is, I have never consumed any illegal drugs by either choice or by a random act of chance. No judgment of anyone who for his or her own reasons chooses to partake, it's just... Illegal (and even most legal) drugs are not for me. My take on it is, if I'm going to do something stupid... I want to remember it. I always want to be in control of my own actions. I don't want my pain dulled...life IS pain, and I don't plan to miss out on it. Plus, I don't ever want to wake up and think...'Oh God, WTF did I do?' I'm not even a big drinker... in my entire 33 years I've only been seriously drunk 2 times...and one of them doesn't count, since it was anesthetic in nature after hearing that one of my most favorite people in the whole world had died a sudden and violent death.

Anyway, take it for what it's worth... Besides...

This is what I'm like awake, aware and stone cold sober... Can you imagine what I'd be like on illegal chemical/natural/stimulants/depressants?

Yeah, enough said.

So anyway, there I was, hanging by the tiniest thread...

I considered giving up.

In fact, in those few moments I thought long and hard about just... letting go. It would have been so easy... So... very, very easy...

But then I thought, 'Hell no! Why make it easy on the bad guys? I am here to answer the call of all those in distress, all people with spare time on their hands looking for some mindless entertainment! And what will all those uneaten cheesecakes do without me??'

I did not let go.

Nanoseconds later, I was glad that I'd chosen to hang on. If I hadn't, I would have missed out on the chance to fly by monkey.

Naturally, as I clung to the ledge my breathing was rapid, my feet scrabbled against the pebbled side of the building, my arms ached, my fingers were locked in claw position, and my eyes throbbed from the roof dust... I may even have sneezed on the dirt crusting my sinus cavities. As a result, I failed to hear anyone approach.

However, even I couldn't help but notice when the back of my shirt pulled taught, pinching my throat. There was a sharp tug. My fingers began to give way. Though I struggled with all that I had left, the acid build up in my muscles had become more than I could stand.

I finally let go.

But I didn't fall... I simply hung there in mid air, inches from the roof and a few feet away from a possibly painful, and certainly icky, death.

I raised my face to the sky above, certain I would see a fireman, or some sort of rescue professional.

Instead, I saw the brown eyes, hairy face and enormous teeth of a monkey--with gray wings... Huge gray wings.

It was grinning at me.

I blinked, certain that in my last moments on earth I had completely lost it...

Of course, there are some who would say I never had it to begin with, but what do they know?

This hairy, cheerfully smiling savior patted me on the head and then lifted me high into the air. Clutching the back of my shirt in his feet, the monkey carried me to safety and deposited me, dirty but none the worse for it, gently on the ground outside of Lowe's. While I was still bent over, catching my breath and becoming re-acquainted with the ground, he took off without a word, or even a grunt.

When I looked up into the sky, there were no clouds...and no monkey. Still, I hadn't flown over the roof of Borders and into a neighboring parking lot by myself.

I may be a rip-roaring pirate queen... but I do not have wings.

You could have knocked me over with a toothbrush... and I'm no light-weight.

Being a Zen Buddhist, I'm no great believer in angels or demons...

But I do believe in monkeys.

And flying ones are super cool.

I'm just sayin'.


Hey... thanks Monkey.