Well, it appears that there are indeed people who long for the good life of the pirate and here at ASU we strive to please... and also to take your money.
Is that spare change rattling around in your pockets? We can hear a doubloon drop from 500 paces...
We are PIRATES after all.
So, in the interest of staying current and offering a selection of courses that will appeal to one and all and after consulting with specialists in their fields, the staff here at ASU have developed some courses which will please the multitudes and continue to prepare our matriculating students for life out there in the big, bad world. They are as follows:
The Pirate to English Dictionary, or Swearing 311
This advanced language course will prepare you for whatever quirks of fortune life may send your way. Are you sick of the old standbys? (Fiddle-dee-dee, dang, crap...they've all been done to death). Here at ASU, we're all about creativity and no self respecting pirate can be expected to lack the necessary accoutrement of a good swear. After successful completion, you need never be speechless again.
Rage, Friend or Foe? 278
Ignore those pathetic whiners who say that rage is hazardous to your health. The truth is, rage is just good clean fun. Learn the benefits of a rage-filled lifestyle. In this course you will learn to transcend the boundaries of good taste, "cleanliness" of speech and good form. Take your inner pit bull and run those weak-willed pacifists into the ground!
Swearing 604
This graduate level course will continue to expand on the pirate-to-English dictionary. By the time you finish, your vocabulary will have grown to encompass not just the swears of 12 different languages but will also include all the newest Pirate idioms. There is no final exam; the course will culminate in a competition in which all students will go up against that linguistic genius, The Pirate Queen, in a battle royal for supremacy in swearing. The PQ currently holds the record for most swears without a breath... do you have what it takes to stand against her?
First Mates, Cabin Boys and Native Lackeys 708
For all those who have grown tired of serving themselves, this advanced course will instruct you in the finer points of getting others to do your dirty work. Whether you aspire to own a small island nation or become president of the United States, this valuable course offering will prepare you to subjugate anyone who looks like they might have the tiniest smidgen of leadership ability or intelligence, placing them forever under your thumb and at your mercy.
"I Curse Your Sudden but Inevitable Betrayal!" or, Famous Last Words---802
AS any successful (and many highly UN-successful) pirates know, mutiny is pretty much inevitable. This graduate level course will teach you how to "go out in style." After all... they can take you livelihood, your eye patch and your peg-leg but NEVER allow them to take your dignity. Guest speakers will include famous people who went down in a blaze of glory and will be channeled by The Pirate Queen herself. Tuition will include the cost of enough rum to enable the PQ to "reach out to the forces of the beyond." (Warning: This one could be expensive).
"Don't'cha Hate it When that Happens?" or, Sailing Basics 100-- After a disastrous class of '08 shipwreck on the shoals of Emerald Lake last spring, ASU has discovered the need for a remedial sailing course for all the scurvy swabs admitted to our institution... In a world populated by weak-willed nancys who've never been without electricity, it's time to toughen you up and teach you what it's really like to be a pirate. Tuition is free. The course will culminate in a 1 month sailing voyage along the eastern seaboard in January '09. Includes all the weevil-infested hard-tack and salt pork you can shake a peg-leg at. This course will fill quickly, so act now and register soon.
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As you can see... Here at ASU, it's all about what YOU need.
Unlike other higher learning institutions, the staff at Aikens' Subterranean University keeps its ear to the ground and listens for the hoof beats of progress... or rather, the lack thereof.
Don't hesitate!
Haven't you always wanted to be a pirate? Well now, you can be.
And remember, here at ASU...
We never spare the rum.
Yo-ho, y0-ho MATEY!
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Yup... you guessed it...some random person I'm putting up a picture of...no relation to me at all
Okay fine. It's me.
4 comments:
Dear PQ,
I have decided to embrace my inner Barbarian and would like to register for your Rage course to help me use my Rages more effectively. I have been rather soft-spoken and bookish in my day-to-day life heretofore, and have only just realized how much anger I carry around bottled up inside my nice-person-persona. I believe that the time has come to become who I truly am. And to live that New Me to its fullest potential.
While Advanced Swearing appeals to me, it can wait, as I can get by for now with my current vocabulary. I am honored that my children's friends do not consider it necessary to regulate their vocabulary on my account. I am a Cool Mom! I suspect that as a Barbarian I will be considered an even cooler mom, which I will very much enjoy.
Be that as it may, I am now Hirilorn, a short and scrawny Half-Elf Barbarian. Do not underestimate short and scrawny, I am also very strong and and have maxed out my ranks in Intimidate. Being underestimated can be very useful. I also look quite young for my age, which has been VERY useful. I was captured by Orcs as a child and saw my family killed by very Orcish methods. I was not killed, apparently because someone realized that I was just the right size to crawl into cooking pots to scrub them out. I survived my long years of slavery by becoming very good at not being seen. This was helped by my small size and childish appearance. Another positive result of said size and appearance was that no Orc ever considered me amorously. One day an army of Easterlings raided my Orc village, and I was "liberated." From being an Orcish slave, anyway. I was still a slave, but belonging to an Easterling chieftain was a step up. I was fed better and I didn't get beaten as often. I was finally freed when I saved one of my master's little brats from tumbling into a firepit. I'm not sure why I did it. I had no idea there might be any advantage in it for me. It was a thoughtless action, which, upon later reflection, made me begin to realize my true nature. My actions were always more successful when I simply reacted instinctively, and didn't try to think them out beforehand. I also noticed that when I glared at people who whined and moaned about their lives they would promptly stop. I enjoyed that. But, I have taken enough of your time with my biographical details. I do have one question before registering for your class. Do I need to be able to read? I have not had the opportunity to learn, having been a slave most of my life.
Hirilorn
My dear Hirilorn,
Kudos to you for throwing off the shackles of slavery, even if you did so inadvertently. I feel that you would make an excellent addition to our community for several reasons:
1. You are accustomed to being dirty.
2. You are not bothered by the salty language of others
3. You are willing to place yourself in personally risky situations but have the ability to "blend"
4. It is obvious that you would like to join us, and give me money
It is not necessary for you to be literate as most of our course offerings are quite "hands-on." However, in the event that reading is required for a course, we will of course supply you with a dwarven one on one aid (mostly so you won't feel bad about being so short).
WELCOME TO ASU!
Dear PQ,
The Dwarf will be unnecessary. I am not THAT short. Only short by Human standards. I am five feet and three quarters of an inch tall. But I am not sensitive about my small stature, so you needn't worry about finding a short aid. I will learn to read as soon as the opportunity arises, as I dislike being dependent on others.
I do find that I have another question. Will I be required to leave my weapons at the door? I realize that a certain Ranger was persuaded to once on entering a king's hall, but I will not. My greatsword accompanies me everywhere. I will not use it class, of course. Unless someone makes me lose my temper. And in that case I cannot be held responsible for my actions. I am a Barbarian, after all. But you need not worry about the safety of your students. I am a quiet and even-tempered sort of person on the whole, though I have no use for whiners and complainers. And I have been through too much to find verbal abuse worth noticing. If it gets to be a habit, however, I will take measures to ensure that it ceases. Usually a simple glare is sufficient.
By the way, I will not "like" to give you money, but I will pay my class fees as any other student would.
Thank you for responding so quickly to my last question.
Yours truly,
Hirilorn
"Pay" or "Give," the principal is the same. We here at ASU are not picky in the slightest.
We will happily take your money either by force, coercion or as a gift. The method is all up to you.
You will not be required to leave your weapon at the door. In fact, it would be a terrible idea for you to do so, as in all our courses, one day will be selected at random as "stab your friend in the back and take his/her stuff day." On that day, all bets are off and only the strong survive.
There isn't any ACTUAL stabbing in the back... well, except that one time... But the school was fully exonerated.
I am sending you a promotional video, a T-shirt and a rum sample.
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