For a Good Time, Call...

The Pirate Queen.

Oh yeah, I said it.

As you may already know, I am currently footloose and fancy free... Well, not really. Mostly, I'm just under-employed.

The bad news is... I have $1.83 in my bank account and my gas tank is almost always on "E."

The good news is... I have had some incredible adventures and I'm going to share them with you.

For the past three days I have been subbing a newspaper route for the Daily Union Monitor in Concord, NH.

Concord is kind of like vanilla yogurt... only it lacks culture.

Don't get me wrong... I like doing paper routes. It's easy, I can drive like a crazy person, play my music at MAX VOL and talk to myself with no one around to judge me.

Plus, I'm desperate for money.

But I also have to admit... Concord is a looney bin, and it is a damn good time at 3am.

So here they are for your perusal... some honest-to-Carlos moments in the life of the Pirate Queen as a paper girl... (Even I can't make this crap up).

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1:30am --Friday-- I show up at the dock. I am wearing a red velvet bustier, a black zip-up hoodie (not zipped), black patent heels and low-rise blue jeans. I have a serious case of classic Pirate Queen bedhead...and I look like I just left a club. (It's laundry day and my flats have gone AWOL...quit judging me).

The guy on the dock looks at me and says,

"Uhhhh...hel--lo there."

I ask him when I can load my car up. He replies,

"Uhhh...he-re" (He manages to give the word "here" at least two syllables...what a charmer).

I tell him, "I'm going to back up now." He says,

"Uhhh...you can do whatever you want."

I can't manage to avoid feeling his eyes crawl down my body like the coils of a large snake. I shudder and turn away.

When I back up, I almost (accidentally of course) hit him with the door of my car.

He finally wipes the drool off his chin and steps back.

______

2:00am --Friday-- Just as I finish loading my car chock full of newsy goodness, I overhear the following snippet of conversation from the car next to me, which is occupied by two people of dubious moral fiber (and this is ME talking) wearing flannel. One is male and one is female... only I can't actually tell which is which.

"I just don't get it." (man/woman #1)

"You don't get what?" (man/woman #2)

"My cat." (man/woman #1)

"What about her?" (man/woman #2)

"She hates me. She scratched the shit out of my hand today... I just don't get it. I mean, I give her a bath EVERY day... Doesn't she know I love her?" (man/woman #1)

"That's weird. Maybe she just doesn't like the soap you're using..." (man/woman #2)

I can't manage to pull out before I let out a snort of derisive laughter.

I almost feel superior, until I realize... I'm unemployed, broke, over-educated...and doing exactly the same job these two clueless half-wits are doing.

At the nearest stop sign I pull over and bang my head against the steering wheel as hard as I can until the world makes sense again.

____

3:47am --Friday-- On Fisherville Rd I drive at my usual sedate pace... 45mph, slowing down enough to just barely pull into the Dunkin' Donuts parking lot without taking out the stop sign at the drive entrance.

I am getting out to fill the paper box with D.U.M.s (heh heh) when I see blue lights...

Police Officer: "Having fun ma'am?"

P.Queen: "Umm... yes?"

Police Officer: *sigh* "Please slow it down, I've been following you for a mile... you hit the speed limit once and never looked back."

P.Queen: "I'm... uh, sorry..."

Police Officer: (looking unconvinced) "O--kay."

_____

4:54am --Friday -- On Jennings Drive in Concord, just before I stop for the newspaper box, a middle aged man runs out into the road and lays down directly in the path of my car.

I slam on my breaks, get out, step over him, fill the paperbox, get back into my car, put it in reverse, cut the wheel hard, put it in drive and slowly go around him.

When I look in the rear view mirror, he is standing in the middle of the road, giving me the finger.
_____

1:30am --Saturday -- On the dock, picking up my papers, I hear this little bit of conversation:

"Oh yea? Well, I don't really have to work... I get $2,000 dollars a month for my disability. I'm just working here for fun."

"Really? Me too! I started working here a month ago... I still haven't cashed my first paycheck."

Once again, I leave the parking lot, stop at the stop sign, put the car in park and bang my head against the steering wheel until the pain in my forehead drives away my desire to go buy a gun.

Besides, I wouldn't know who to shoot first--them? Or myself?
_____

2:08am --Saturday -- Once again, I'm in Penacook.

Once again, I'm going 45 in a 30.

Only this time, I run a red light outside of 30 Pines Convenience Store... and make an illegal left turn in to the car wash parking lot.

Blue lights...

Heavy footsteps...

P.Queen: "Oh, hello officer."

Police Officer: "Do you know you just---"

P.Queen: "Ran a red light?"

Police Officer: "And you also--"

P.Queen: "Made an illegal turn?"

By this time he's taken out his flashlight and is shining it in my eyes, making them water. There is a long silence while I blink back tears...

Police Officer: "Oh, it's you... again." (pained sigh)

P.Queen: "Umm... sorry?" (queasy smile)

Police Officer: "Oh nevermind."

He gets back into his car and peels out.
____

2:36am --Saturday -- I'm in the parking lot of the Taco Bell on Loudon Rd. (aka The Stoner Cafe)... When out of the shadow of the overhang of the chain restaurant comes a teenage boy, wandering in slow motion across the parking lot, no doubt from the effects of one too many puffs of something illegal...and maybe a few too many Chalupas (I nearly got a contact high from being in his general vicinity).

He sees me.

He stops.

He reaches far down into a pocket of his jeans...

I just have time to wonder if I should have brought my mace, when he pulls out a packet of Domino's Sugar, rips it open and proceeds to sprinkle both me and my car with the white crystals.

Now it's my turn to drool in confusion.

He turns to me and says,

"Now you'll have good luck... Oh, nice butterfly by the way," and staggers back off into the night.

I still can't figure out if he was referring to my tattoo or the sticker on my car.

____

5:17am-- Saturday-- I'm in the 7-11 on Loudon Road in Concord.

There is a new guy working behind the counter. He takes my $7.50 in quarters and okays me to pump gas on #5.

He got off the plane from Pakistan about 3 weeks ago. (I'm not being racist, it's the truth, he told me that in exactly those words 4 days ago).

Before I can grab my Big Gulp and leave, he cocks his head to the side and says to me,

"You are married?"

Totally dumbfounded by his temerity, I reply, "Nope," and again, turn to leave.

He says, "You have boyfriend?"

Blink, blink. "Nope."

His eyes grow wide. He continues, "Why? You no like boys?"

Once again, my mouth is hanging open in surprise. I manage to say (having briefly lost the power to utter a complete sentence that doesn't sound like it came from a 6 year old on helium) "Uh, yes, I like. I like boys very much."

Once again he cocks his head, "Then why you have no boyfriend?"

I let loose a sigh, look deeply into his eyes and reply,

"You know... I ask myself that same question... every... single... day."

He shakes his head, looks me up and down... twice, shakes his head and says,

"American men... so stupid."

For the first time since prices hit $3.00/gal. I smile while pumping my gas.

____

In three nights I spot no fewer than 16 skunks, 2 foxes, 4 opossums and a hedgehog.

I manage to avoid hitting any of them.

Go me.

Ahh.

Who wouldn't love this job?