Yeah, I Know...

I've been AWOL a long time now. In fact, this is the longest I've gone without writing in over 8 months...I just couldn't help it.

Things around the Saltmine have been crazy and when I don't get home at a ridiculous hour, I simply crash.

There's also the fact that I was avoiding the whole SPEECH thing.

Well, I finally wrote it, for better or for worse. Personally, I'm afraid it's worse. I'm going to be delivering it this afternoon.

I'll let you know how it goes.

For those of you who won't be in attendance... Here it is in case you feel like being totally bored for a while (Yeah, I wanted to make it funny, but thanks to some trouble a few years back, not only did I have to get it approved by the powers that be, but there was also a moratorium on FUNNY).

So here it is...

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Students, friends, family members, community members school board members and esteemed faculty, thank you for attending the commencement exercises today for the class of 2008…

Wassup?

Calm down… please.

When I was first approached by the Director of this year’s graduating class, Mr. R, and asked to speak here today, my first feeling was one of humility…closely followed by complete shock...

I wonder if that’s what a doe feels like when staring into headlights…

But honestly…

When I was at last able to summon a coherent thought, I stammered out something profound…something meaningful…it went something like this…

“What were they THINKING?”

Of course, Mr. R kindly told me I could take a while to think about it… But there was nothing to think about. There was no question in my mind. I said yes before the request had barely left his lips...

Naturally…the second thought I had after saying yes was…

“What am I thinking?”

Then I took a few deep breaths, stilled my shaking knees and soon enough my ADD kicked in when something shiny caught my eye…so I was okay for a little while…

Umm…just kidding…sort of.

Now what was my point? Oh yeah…I agreed to speak here today.

Of course, the next step in my quest was to craft what I hoped would be an acceptable, respectful and with any luck at all, entertaining speech…Naturally, I went to that bottomless fountain of useful knowledge…GOOGLE.

Unfortunately, after I got done watching YouTube, playing World of Warcraft, and instant messaging everyone I had ever met, I found that I had nearly lost the will to live… But still, I persevered and dove headfirst in to my research… exhausting the possibilities of several search engines.

The results left me skeptical at best...

What I discovered was that most speakers at commencement exercises spend their time sharing advice and words of wisdom…craftily imparting valuable life lessons and witty stories, attempting to share with their captive audience a glowing picture of what the future may one day be like…

I have to be honest… That sort of thing is not for me.

After all our time spent together, I believe that the time for me to advise you has passed…

So instead, I’d like to share something else, something those other speeches don’t seem to spend enough time on in my opinion…

I’d like to tell you what you’ve taught me.

After all… I think these lovely people who’ve come here to see you deserve to know the truth…Don’t you agree?

And… I’ll tell you why…

Because this day is all about you, class of 2008. You asked me to be here and share this day with you…How could I ever say no?

Saying no was not a viable option.

After all…as you know… *stage whisper*…You’re my favorite.

So…here it is honored guests… the real reason why I could never turn down such a tremendous honor…

The people you see here, wearing those caps and gowns… They may look like just another group of soon to be former students… But really, they are more than just that…

They are heroes.

Seriously.

I know, I know…you think you know what I’m saying here… but there are some things you may not know about these students. Personally, I’ve been privy to this information for about 4 years now…In fact, there are young people in those chairs over there who have had the dubious honor of having me as a teacher for most of their high school careers… Scary thought, isn’t it?

But true.

So here’s what I’ve learned from you class of 2008…

There really are heroes in this world.

Of course, this means you.

For years you’ve struggled against enormous odds, given of yourselves, worked your tails off and continued to show up to school… even when the thought of facing yet another test made you want to curl up in a ball…

You’ve been athletic champions… as Montanna said, your team unity has shown in your performance at the local, state and regional level…

You’ve been in the spotlight…the incredible performance you gave as actors in the musical Little Shop of Horrors will no doubt become the stuff of legend…

You’ve been across the globe…some of you have seen a wider world…and know how small that world really is… Nick, Kathrine, Kristy…”We’ll always have Paris”

You’ve been on television…

You’ve been conducting Transcendentalist meditations…

You’ve been working nights and weekends…

You’ve been pirates of the best kind…Like Robin hood…champions of the under dog

You’ve been trekking off to L. to learn to craft amazing food, build houses, and make films…

You’ve been making our school a better place for everyone else…

Heck, some of you have even been nursing sick plants and performing surgery on trees… (The FFA may have changed the meaning of their acronym…but it still spells “Cult” to me…I don’t care WHAT Colton, Riley, or the Amandas say…

Uhhh…just kidding…don’t stop planting flowers in front of my room please, you do great work)

You’ve been committing yourselves to serve your country…

You’ve been serving your school and your community…I can’t count the number of times the Student Council has come to our rescue as a school, designing clever games and team building activities to enrich our days here… Thank you Robert, Kier…etc.

Many of you have even taken several college courses… While still in our building!

And most of all…you’ve never given up. That’s why you’re here today, proud…and of course…squirming in your seats…wondering if I’ll ever stop so you can get your diploma and make a break for it with your family…

Dang.

I wish I could do all that. Generally, all I do is drink a Red Bull, drive to work, and then pass the buck to you… See? You’re the ones who deserve all the credit and all the reward…

In fact, if I ever grow up… I want to be just like you, class of 2008…

Would that be alright?

And please don’t ever forget this:

Everything I know about real heroes…I’ve learned from you.

So, once again, thank you for allowing me to share this wonderful day with you…and pardon any omissions, offenses or faults on my part… As Puck said in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,”

“If we shadows have offended,

Think but this, and all is mended,

That you have but slumbered here

While these visions did appear

And this weak and idle theme,

No more yielding but a dream…”

I’ve done my best … And in the end, all I really wanted to do was to honor your request, and hopefully make you laugh a little.

Plus, I wanted you to see yourselves as I see you…

As Heroes.

This world is a better place with you in it. Don’t be afraid… you’ll be great.

Now go out and prove me right.

Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause for these heroes… The graduating class of 2008.

Thank you.