Are you tired of the college application process?
I know I am.
And let's face facts... English 101, International Business and Finance, Calculus 102...
These are things you are never going to need.
When and how often will you actually use them?
Try... NEVER.
So here is the perfect solution for you...
My friends, I am starting my own university... ASU, Aikens Subterranean University. I got the idea from some old friends who once joked about starting their own school, but I am in deadly earnest.
At my school (soon to receive it's accreditation from the NEASC, aka New England Association of Schools and Colleges) you will learn everything you REALLY need to know... Things that they don't teach at other, inferior, schools of higher learning.
Here is my mission statement:
At ASU we strive to offer a superior curriculum which will give you the tools you need to be successful out there in the "real world." The knowledge you accumulate whilst matriculating in our hallowed hall (Aikens' basement--hence the Subterranean designation) will be of use to you no matter where you end up, or what you wind up doing once you get there. We offer a varied selection of courses all geared toward one goal: WORLD DOMINATION! (And all for a nominal fee, which makes us a good buy as well as a smart place to launch you on your path to success).
Course Offerings:
Pillaging 101--Whether you are on a small Caribbean island or in NYC, pillaging is a skill useful in any career path. Here you will learn the basics of intimidation, stealth and escape when it seems all hope is lost. Instructor: The Pirate Queen
Pillaging 102--Here you will learn more advanced pillaging skills, useful to more specific career paths such as: intellectual property law, corporate take-overs, middle management and internet piracy. Instructor: The Pirate Queen
World Domination 101--It doesn't matter if you are just starting out, or trying to overthrow the peaceful government of Lichtenstein, this course will give you all the basic tools you need to start whisper campaigns, bloody coups, and full-blown Sam Adams style revolutions. Not for the faint of heart. Instructor: The Pirate Queen
Piracy, The Path to Greatness 202--This basic course will provide you with the skills and expertise you need, not only to look the part of a great pirate but also to teach you the basics. Topics covered are: eye patches, parrot grooming and domestication, swearing, balancing on a peg leg, and managing a crew of 20+ scurvy knaves, all from the relative discomfort of our dank basement location. Instructor: The Pirate Queen
Revolutions, Hard and Soft 203--A more advanced course than World Domination, this seminar will delve into the specifics of fomenting revolution, starting from the work place and working our way up to the entire Eastern Seaboard. Controlling everyone and everything has never been this easy! Look out Wal-Mart and Microsoft--THE PIRATES ARE COMING!!! Instructor: The Pirate Queen
Leadership: Make Them Love AND Fear You 302--This course will cover the basics as well as advanced tactics for mental manipulation of underlings and foes alike. By the time you have finished this course, all those around you will be willing to die in your service if called upon to do so... After all, every pirate queen needs a loyal crew and frightened enemies. Instructor: The Pirate Queen
Mutiny: Sound Idea or Pathway to Death? 405--This seminar will not only include several hours of instruction, it will culminate with a simulated mutiny. Those who survive and avoid having to walk the plank or be left tied to the mizzenmast will graduate successfully, prepared to go out and conquer the world!
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As you can see, the Aikens Subterranean University is the ONLY choice for those willing and able to conquer the world... It's a dirty job but someone has to do it!
Courses are commencing soon and tuition is negotiable (as is everything when you aspire to the Pirate Life).
Don't allow this golden opportunity to pass you by... There is gold in other people's pockets, and soon it will be yours!!!*
*The Aikens Subterranean University is not responsible for any acts of violence and piracy that its matriculating students may perform. If you get caught, we will deny all knowledge of your existance and your record of ever having been a student will be barbecued and eaten by the pygmy residents of a small island nation.
AHOY MATEYS!!
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Yup... you guessed it...some random person I'm putting up a picture of...no relation to me at all
Okay fine. It's me.
10 comments:
Sign me up. I'm very excited to sharpen my pillaging skills, and the "simulated mutiny" sounds fabulous. Please email me ASU Orientation times and dates.
I will do so by soonest post.
Better yet, I'll just come by your house and give you a knot-tying demonstration to prove how serious i am about getting your money...i mean, about educating you.
This sounds like way more fun than Metabolic Adaptations to Exercise, Electrocardiography, and Math 835 - Statistics for Research Methods.
I notice no text books were referenced...is this a hands on curriculum?
The curriculum is entirely hands-on. One cannot learn the Pirate Lifestyle from a book.
However, in one of our newer courses (to be offered in the Spring semester) called, "Pirate Drinking Songs 405, there will be handouts for those who have trouble remembering simple lyrics.
Tuition for the course will include the cost of a barrel of rum. While it will not be necessary for each student to purchase his or her own barrel, the cost of tuition may fluctuate depending on how many students sign up for the course.
I say, the fewer sign-ups the better... more rum for me that way.
Two questions:
1) Will there at some point be a course devoted to finding and successfully burying treasure?
2) Will I be able to transfer my credits earned already from Scallywag Community College ?
Please send me the promotional dvd.
In answer to your questions:
1) There is indeed a prospective course being prepared for the summer 2009 session entitled "2 pirates on a dead man's chest--408" in which we will detail the following topics: successful hiding of buried treasure, map-making using tanned animal hide, and the painful killing of porters to ensure that the secret of treasure location remains safe.
2)While we do in fact award you credit from courses taken at other accredited schools, we will expect you to prove that you are fit to join us, by drinking a small hogshead of rum, singing one of the approved drinking songs, and climbing the rigging without falling to your death. You will have 45 minutes to complete this task. Upon successful completion, you will be admitted... If you fail (i.e. fall to your death or suffer from alcohol poisoning) your tuition is forfeit, as are your pants, any doubloons on your person, and of course, your dignity.
I will forward a QuickTime video of previous successful candidates ASAP.
Welcome to ASU!!
God you're great! I'm sick to death that the Saltmine is without your amazing creativity! Yes, I'm a coward and hiding behind the anonymous post option. I'm sure at ASU I'd been made to walk to plank.
THIS JUST IN...
I will be posting some new course offerings this evening.
Oh, and by the way "Anonymous"... I will find you and hunt you down like the cowardly, scurvy knave you are and make you drink several pints of rum for this indecent act of posting without leaving a clue to your identity...
GRRRRR....ARGH!
Whats this? Drink, climb rigging, whilst singing? That's the admission test? Good Pirate Maid... tis my every weekend thy describe.
Sweet.... I am "so" in.
Well... As a serious advocate of the pirate lifestyle, and also an educator, I hold your current alma mater in high esteem, so the typical first step of granting credit for courses completed at other establishments (ones without Scallywag's high standards) has been waived in your case.
Normally transfer applicants must also "run the gauntlet." This is a test which requires the prospective student to drink and climb the rigging while also being mercilessly chased down and whacked with sticks by the current top ten percent of the freshman class.
You see, this is made even more horrible by the fact that freshmen are so newly indoctrinated by yours truly, that in order to impress me, they will frequently resort to "dirty tricks" which include, but are not limited to:
1. throwing glass eyeballs at the candidate
2. throwing knives at the candidate
3. and the ever popular "parrot launch of doom" where the top students will try to be the first to successfully coax their parrot into landing on your head and ...ahem... defecating on your hat/bandana/head...
So you see---yes, you've gotten off easily.
The classes will all be impressed to have a student from Scallywag Community College matriculating with us.
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