The Cool Kids Table

My friend the Papergrrl and I have a long running joke in which we constantly attempt to come up with the coolest ways to go out in a blaze of glory.

Why?

I'll tell you.

You see... I long ago realized, thanks to the tremendous load of guilt heaped on me by my Christian forebears (cult members, one and all) that if there is indeed such a place as hell... the chances are pretty good that I'm going to end up there.

Of course, I'm a Buddhist now... but that's a whole other kettle of Yorkshire Terriers.

Anyway, the point is... to make the idea of hell seem just a little less scary, we concocted the idea that, if there is such a place, surely it can't be all that different from high school. And let's face it, where, in high schools every day, does one see that most esteemed of all gatherings? You know the one I'm talking about, that group of kids who are just soooo much cooler than everyone else. The kids who never end up with milk coming out of their noses... The ones who laugh at geeks and nerds like me... The ones who seem to breeze through public education with a modicum of dignity...

Yeah, you've seen them too.

Admit it.

Anyway, my idea goes something like this... someday, I am going to die.

Yes, hard to believe, I know. Still, let's face facts.

Also, if there is indeed a hell... I'm far more likely to end up there than in the "good place."

My plan is this... if high school is hell, then why shouldn't hell be just like high school?

So I fully intend to die in some spectacularly cool fashion which will earn me the right to sit "at the cool kids table" in hell.

No car accident... no heart attack in bed at 67... no getting run over by a bus.

OH no my friends, this death...will be cool.

So far my favorites are: (drumroll please)

1. Getting mauled by a tiger.

2. Getting chomped on by a shark.

3. Going out in a blaze of glory while rescuing quadraplegic kittens from a burning rescue shelter.

4. Taking a bullet for someone (or some other sort of nasty flying projectile)

5. Being forced to walk the plank of my pirate ship after a mutinous uprising over shares of loot.

Yup. That's my plan. Don't knock it.

After all... if you die after me... don't you want to get to sit at the cool kids table with me?

That would be sweeeet.