Aikens Subterranean University

Are you tired of the college application process?

I know I am.

And let's face facts... English 101, International Business and Finance, Calculus 102...

These are things you are never going to need.

When and how often will you actually use them?

Try... NEVER.

So here is the perfect solution for you...

My friends, I am starting my own university... ASU, Aikens Subterranean University. I got the idea from some old friends who once joked about starting their own school, but I am in deadly earnest.

At my school (soon to receive it's accreditation from the NEASC, aka New England Association of Schools and Colleges) you will learn everything you REALLY need to know... Things that they don't teach at other, inferior, schools of higher learning.

Here is my mission statement:

At ASU we strive to offer a superior curriculum which will give you the tools you need to be successful out there in the "real world." The knowledge you accumulate whilst matriculating in our hallowed hall (Aikens' basement--hence the Subterranean designation) will be of use to you no matter where you end up, or what you wind up doing once you get there. We offer a varied selection of courses all geared toward one goal: WORLD DOMINATION! (And all for a nominal fee, which makes us a good buy as well as a smart place to launch you on your path to success).

Course Offerings:

Pillaging 101--Whether you are on a small Caribbean island or in NYC, pillaging is a skill useful in any career path. Here you will learn the basics of intimidation, stealth and escape when it seems all hope is lost. Instructor: The Pirate Queen

Pillaging 102--Here you will learn more advanced pillaging skills, useful to more specific career paths such as: intellectual property law, corporate take-overs, middle management and internet piracy. Instructor: The Pirate Queen

World Domination 101--It doesn't matter if you are just starting out, or trying to overthrow the peaceful government of Lichtenstein, this course will give you all the basic tools you need to start whisper campaigns, bloody coups, and full-blown Sam Adams style revolutions. Not for the faint of heart. Instructor: The Pirate Queen

Piracy, The Path to Greatness 202--This basic course will provide you with the skills and expertise you need, not only to look the part of a great pirate but also to teach you the basics. Topics covered are: eye patches, parrot grooming and domestication, swearing, balancing on a peg leg, and managing a crew of 20+ scurvy knaves, all from the relative discomfort of our dank basement location. Instructor: The Pirate Queen

Revolutions, Hard and Soft 203--A more advanced course than World Domination, this seminar will delve into the specifics of fomenting revolution, starting from the work place and working our way up to the entire Eastern Seaboard. Controlling everyone and everything has never been this easy! Look out Wal-Mart and Microsoft--THE PIRATES ARE COMING!!! Instructor: The Pirate Queen

Leadership: Make Them Love AND Fear You 302--This course will cover the basics as well as advanced tactics for mental manipulation of underlings and foes alike. By the time you have finished this course, all those around you will be willing to die in your service if called upon to do so... After all, every pirate queen needs a loyal crew and frightened enemies. Instructor: The Pirate Queen

Mutiny: Sound Idea or Pathway to Death? 405--This seminar will not only include several hours of instruction, it will culminate with a simulated mutiny. Those who survive and avoid having to walk the plank or be left tied to the mizzenmast will graduate successfully, prepared to go out and conquer the world!

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As you can see, the Aikens Subterranean University is the ONLY choice for those willing and able to conquer the world... It's a dirty job but someone has to do it!

Courses are commencing soon and tuition is negotiable (as is everything when you aspire to the Pirate Life).

Don't allow this golden opportunity to pass you by... There is gold in other people's pockets, and soon it will be yours!!!*


*The Aikens Subterranean University is not responsible for any acts of violence and piracy that its matriculating students may perform. If you get caught, we will deny all knowledge of your existance and your record of ever having been a student will be barbecued and eaten by the pygmy residents of a small island nation.

AHOY MATEYS!!

The Cool Kids Table

My friend the Papergrrl and I have a long running joke in which we constantly attempt to come up with the coolest ways to go out in a blaze of glory.

Why?

I'll tell you.

You see... I long ago realized, thanks to the tremendous load of guilt heaped on me by my Christian forebears (cult members, one and all) that if there is indeed such a place as hell... the chances are pretty good that I'm going to end up there.

Of course, I'm a Buddhist now... but that's a whole other kettle of Yorkshire Terriers.

Anyway, the point is... to make the idea of hell seem just a little less scary, we concocted the idea that, if there is such a place, surely it can't be all that different from high school. And let's face it, where, in high schools every day, does one see that most esteemed of all gatherings? You know the one I'm talking about, that group of kids who are just soooo much cooler than everyone else. The kids who never end up with milk coming out of their noses... The ones who laugh at geeks and nerds like me... The ones who seem to breeze through public education with a modicum of dignity...

Yeah, you've seen them too.

Admit it.

Anyway, my idea goes something like this... someday, I am going to die.

Yes, hard to believe, I know. Still, let's face facts.

Also, if there is indeed a hell... I'm far more likely to end up there than in the "good place."

My plan is this... if high school is hell, then why shouldn't hell be just like high school?

So I fully intend to die in some spectacularly cool fashion which will earn me the right to sit "at the cool kids table" in hell.

No car accident... no heart attack in bed at 67... no getting run over by a bus.

OH no my friends, this death...will be cool.

So far my favorites are: (drumroll please)

1. Getting mauled by a tiger.

2. Getting chomped on by a shark.

3. Going out in a blaze of glory while rescuing quadraplegic kittens from a burning rescue shelter.

4. Taking a bullet for someone (or some other sort of nasty flying projectile)

5. Being forced to walk the plank of my pirate ship after a mutinous uprising over shares of loot.

Yup. That's my plan. Don't knock it.

After all... if you die after me... don't you want to get to sit at the cool kids table with me?

That would be sweeeet.