And then today, as if the Universe hadn't made it clear enough that it despises me and thinks I deserve to die a horrible fiery death, after a long, painful wasting disease... I was blown off by two different friends who were supposed to meet me at different times and in different places. People who I thought would keep in touch with me. Even on AIM tonight, (see my post about how AIM is the DEVIL) the few people I wanted to talk to either blew me off, ignored me, or simply made it pretty clear that they had no interest in talking to me (you know...long pauses, cursory answers, not bothering to say goodbye...shit that I would normally allow to roll off me without hurting my feelings). It all finally caught up with me.
I actually cried.
Me.
Can you believe it?
I can't.
I am broken.
Please don't get me wrong, I don't want your damn pity. I'm sure your life is every bit as miserable in it's own way to you as mine is to me. So why would you bother reading more of this drivel?
Please don't.
What you are about to read is my form of a primal scream.
Think... Vanna.
Please, don't read any further and expose yourself to my misery.
Alright, fine...I realize I'm being all...Lemony Snicket about this... but I'm serious.There's nothing to see here people.
And besides the fact that this post is miserable... it's also embarrassing.
But what does it matter?
The point is...
Don't bother reading it.
But if you do... just have a little laugh at my expense. I mean, why not? Apparently my life, everything I stood for, everything I tried to do for 11 years meant nothing. It was a joke.
I am a joke.
And not a funny one.
I'm roughly the equivalent of the "why did the chicken cross the road?" school of humor. In other words, humor that doesn't deserve the moniker.
I'm just sayin'.
Turn back now. Here...there be dragons.
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You may have noticed that the Pirate Queen has not been prolific of late.
There are a number of reasons for that.
One in particular.
As a famous Jane Austen character once said to her sister (I am about to paraphrase, and poorly too, but the emotion is there)...
"What do you know of my heart? My suffering? For months I've had this thing pressing on me, not at liberty to speak of it to a single creature! ...Believe me, if I had wanted to, I could have produced evidence enough of a broken heart... Even for you."
The Pirate Queen is at a loss. Naturally, I will give you all the details...
You knew I would.
Eventually.
After all... I never could keep anything from you, could I?
I'm almost there. I'm almost ready to tell all about it. Not just now...but soon.
You see...
It hit me just an hour or so ago...
I was there...
on-line...
and I suddenly realized...
No one is talking to me.
Even the people I thought truly cared.
The couple that I attempted to reach out to, either barely responded or simply ignored me. Bear in mind, these were people who are important to me, and whom I consider friends.
That is not a good sign.
Ever.
And I finally got it.
I no longer exist.
I have been defeated.
Deleted.
And what is much, much worse... I am pathetic and depressing. I hate that.
I would be better off disappearing completely. Eventually I will. (As will we all...don't you know?)
That's not what I want to believe.
I want to believe the following:
...that I will fight another day.
...that the people I care about also care about me.
...that I will be happy again.
...that I made a difference to someone.
...that the fact that I cared about people wasn't a complete waste.
That's what I want to believe.
But I'm afraid it's not true.
If it were true... I really doubt that I'd be alone right now.
Someone would be here, wouldn't they?
And I ask myself...
Why am I always so easy to cast aside?
Why am I so forgettable?
Why am I so god damned REPLACEABLE?
I wish I were special.
Doesn't everyone?
See?
Pathetic. I hate what's happened.
But not as much as I hate myself for feeling like this.
For caring.
They never paid me to care. But I did.
How do I make myself stop?
I'm incredibly sorry for unloading like this. If you've read my other stuff, I hope you realize that I'm not usually like this...
But being brushed off, ignored and left alone, after everything that's happened...
I'm exhausted and my heart hurts.
The Queen is out.
